I had a bad day yesterday.
For me, a bad day is when one of my demons gets the better of me. Yesterday, that demon was Depression.
My day started fairly normally. My alarm went off, like it normally does, and I went to make some coffee.
But when I tried to do so, it’s like I lost all hand-eye coordination. I was dropping stuff, spilling stuff, just being an all-around klutz.
I decided I wasn’t going to fight it. I knew yesterday was not going to go my way, so I was just going to let the day go by. I knew nothing was going to go my way.
And I was right.
All I had to do was take the adapter off the cartridge that was already in there and put it onto the SD Cannabis cartridge. Of course, I dropped it.
This sent me into a spiral. I began frantically looking for this tiny piece of shiny metal. The only other one I had fell between the seats in my car long ago. Besides, my daughter had my car, so it wasn’t even at the house. Now, before you accuse me of being a reefer addict, this wasn’t about getting high. I have other ways to access cannabis that don’t even involve smoking or vaping. This was about the inability to find a simple object. You see, in my mind, I believed that I should be able to find a shiny piece of metal easily. The longer I looked for it, the further down the spiral I went.
I tried to take my mind off of it by walking the dog. That was a mistake. I ended up taking my frustrations out on him, and he didn’t deserve that. I began pacing the living room, convincing myself that my inability to find a small object made me a worthless human being who didn’t deserve the privilege of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. I was useless to anyone and everyone.
I was texting Carolyn through all this, who was at work. She became so concerned for me, she left work and came home. That may have saved my life. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had been left to my own devices. I could feel my self control slipping away.
Once she came home, I was able to calm down and center myself. Unfortunately, I spent the rest of the day feeling guilt and shame over how I reacted. So, it became a day where I dug myself a hole and hid in it. I didn’t even touch a computer or social media.
What’s the point of all this? Because it’s OK to have a bad day. We all have them. Some worse than others. It’s OK to take some time for yourself when you need to. I forget that sometimes. Self care is necessary.